February 6, 2017
Tomorrow, Matt and I will have been married eight years.
Some days it feels like one year; some days it feels like twenty. What’s interesting to me is how other people feel about the duration of our marriage.
Whenever I read books or blogs about mixed-orientation marriages (where one of the spouses experiences a same-sex attraction and the other does not), I say, “Oh, look, honey. Here are the three paragraphs about our marriage. And, surprise, surprise: they are depressing.”
Most of the tiny bit that is written about our type of marriage is pessimistic at best, predicting doomsday failure at worst.
We have been asked directly and indirectly by bold friends how our marriage does work. Is Matt constantly feeling dissed by me—especially because I am so “out” in this ministry? Am I simply wandering about alone—tolerating him and feeling unfulfilled?
Let me explain by sharing two things I have learned over the last years together:
1. Our marriage is about a covenant commitment.
The world says, “If you’re not happy, get out.” People say this to super straight couples, how much more so to us! Happiness and fulfillment are what matters. “I deserve…” “I have rights…” “I, I, I….”
Especially when it comes to sex and sexuality. I mean, if one of you is not fulfilled in marriage, it is your prerogative to find it somewhere. Sex is everything. (Well, we may not say that, but we act like it in the way many of us prioritize food, water, air, sex…)
I don’t see this in the Bible. I see mutual submission, not stealing. I see denial of self, not demands. I see a giving up of “rights,” not a list of requirements to receive love. What rights do we have besides a life of death—even in, and perhaps especially so in marriage (an example of Jesus’ relationship to the church)?
The world has fooled us, friends. It has said, “Laurie, you are your sexuality. You don’t just experience that type of brokenness, you are your sexuality.” Why? Why can’t I be like most other married women and men I know (super straight people) who have times where they are not attracted to their spouses? They struggle with a different form of sexual brokenness. Why do I get a right to run?
No. I am committed. And like Jesus, even on the hardest days, I stay. So does Matt.
When Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn’t think, ‘I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me.’ No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us–denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him–and in the greatest act of love in history, he STAYED.
“He said, ‘Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.’ He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. That is why I am going to love my spouse. Speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day.”
—Tim Keller, Meaning of Marriage
2. Our marriage is about sanctification.
The very place where Matt and I can shake our heads while praying, “Jesus? How?” is the very place where we grow the most. That growth process is called sanctification, and it is a difficult journey if you experience same-sex attractions or not. If you are married or not.
If you have worked with us at a counseling level, heard us speak, or read many of these blogs, you know we believe that my same-sex attractions—although may be inborn, permanent, etc.—can feel stronger when I am lacking a Core Need. The barking Core Need may be extra loud because I am not feeling loved, cared for, or seen. Ideally, those Core Needs, which live in that metaphorical hole in our hearts, are met in perfect relationship to God and supported by other people.
Such perfect interactions rarely happen. (Surprise! People aren’t perfect.) If we are not on our seeking-first-the-Kingdom game, we subconsciously go searching to meet our Core Needs in other ways: with food, sexual activity, working too much, people “liking” us and our posts, etc.
When Matt and I stop this wandering, confess, refocus, and hold hands while staring at Jesus (not at each other), our weakest places personally become glue for our marriage.
“Matt, I am really struggling. I am so sorry. I let my mind wander…” And I share.
One-hundred percent of the time I don’t want to be honest with him. One-hundred percent of the time I am glad I was because of the immediate freedom it offers me, and the way it punches Satan in the teeth. Satan hates when things come into the light. That’s why I do it. Satan is a jerk.
“I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?” I ask Matt.
“Yes, I will.” Matt may look and feel hurt. He isn’t superhuman. But sometimes that face of pain flashes in my mind when I am tempted to let my mind drift again. Sin hurts me and those around me. Sin bleeds. I need to remember this when my heart wants to wander.
But the conversation isn’t over. We are not one another’s police officers, enforcing the law. We are cardiologists.
“Laurie, what do you really need?” Matt asks. He asks this because we know sexual sin is not actually about sexual sin. It begins at the heart.
What do I need? “I am really feeling unseen. Uncared for. I feel like God hates me right now.” Matt listens, sincerely empathizes. Then we come up with a game plan to get that real need met with journaling, reading, hanging out with healthy female peers, or going on a fun date together. We plan something that will help lift me up to receive from the Real Jesus who does see me. I’m just not feeling it.
Then Matt may share where he has been. He may confess how he has let his mind meander. The immediate gut-punch reaction I want to throw at him is softened because he literally just showed me God’s love and grace. Instead of rebuke, I return the gifts he gave me. Then I ask him what he really needs, and we come up with a plan.
Do you know what I am actually describing here? Intimacy. Not just mixed-orientation marriage intimacy, but true, godly, I-see-you-and-you-see-me lasting intimacy that can take place in any godly marriage or in any godly friendship.
This is why when people ask me how our marriage works I often cry. Not out of sorrow, but out of this tender, precious, grace/love/mercy place in my heart that loves Matt so, so deeply. From a place that has received grace and offers grace. From a place that has been seen and loved. Our marriage may not begin with eros love, but it lives off of our-souls-see-each-other-and-connect love.
We are not a “normal” couple, and yet we very much are. We are two broken people committed to each other and the sanctification process—both of which produce greater intimacy than the world can offer or sometimes believe.
Here’s to another eight-y years, hon.
Take the Next Right Step:
- Respond: After reading this, does our marriage seem so different from other marriages?
- Explore: Want to hear more about our journey? We wrote a book!
- Reflect: If you are reading this thinking, “Well, good for you. There’s no way I could have that type of honesty with my spouse.” I want to encourage two things: 1. Alter your thinking from “Are we going to make it?” to “How are we going to make it?” and start gathering your tools to help you succeed. That subtle shift has helped when marriage has seemed hopeless. 2. Reach out. Now. Tell someone. Tell many someones. “We need help.” Satan wants to make your marriage health seem like an impossible, immovable mountain. But guess what? God is in the mountain-moving business. Not just for the mixed-orientation marriage folk, but for every flipping marriage. Get wise people around you who have faith when you don’t have it.
- Read: No matter what “type” of marriage you have, you may not always connect at some level. Check out “My Husband Isn’t My Best Friend” by Juli Slattery for some practical ideas.
- Read: If you are wondering how to turn your spouse or friend relationship into one that holds you to effective accountability, read “Taking Account of Accountability in the Lust Battle” by John Michael Cusick.
- Listen: This song, “The Gravity of Love” by The Brilliance is just…brilliant. (Ha ha.) It nods to one of my favorite verses, Psalm 121:1.
Wow. Just wow. And thank you.
My own mixed-orientation marriage is struggling to say the least and my hope was dwindling. Everything in this article is what I have been thinking about and reflecting on for weeks. I am so grateful to know that my husband and I are not alone in our unique marriage and the future does not have to be as bleak as others make it out to be. Thank you Kriegs so much for your witness and encouragement. Yes, I just bought your book and I’m looking forward to reading it!
Praise God. You are so not alone! Yes, let us know what you think after reading! Blessings!
Dear Laurie,
I love how you have found a way to make your mixed orientation marriage work! I’m also in one, with my wife fully in the loop for over four years now. We have prayed, walked, cried, begged and suffered together ever since. But we also both feel it’s becoming more and more difficult as time passes. Because she feels I can’t give her ‘that’ look. Hold her ‘that’ way. Crave her, thinking of her like a normal spouse does sometimes or regularly. And she sees I miss that same intimacy. So despite both knowing God, all we get on our path are christians that point us to the love of God, the danger of trying to change and the importance of acceptance. With lots of gay couples in our near and distant life, it becomes so hard to understand what we are trying to hold on to and to avoid. Why do we remain married if I don’t feel attracted to women. If I have trouble seeing her as my soulmate, like you do with Matt?
So my question to is; do you believe your marriage is a blueprint and example of success for all MOM couples seeking God? Or do you believe the spectrum of individual situations is so different that not every couple can compare their situation to yours? The way you talk about Matt (and he about you) is something I cannot relate to in my marriage, only in my fantasy being with a guy I have had a crush on. The more I want to get to the essence of love, truth, honesty and authenticity, the more contradictory examples I find of God blessing people in so many ways, in both MoM and Gay relationships as well as celibacy and even proclaimed heterosexual marriages. I am very curious what your vision is on the many different situations.