Pillar People

February 22, 2017

I recently wrote about how Matt and my mixed-orientation marriage works. 

Several of you reached out to say nice things. I sincerely thank you for that. But I need to be honest: we cannot take the credit.

No, this isn’t a humble-brag moment to point to “Jesus” while really patting ourselves on the back. I actually want to thank the critical characters—our Pillar People—who keep pushing us to look more like Jesus.

Before I describe them, I must say that I am a big introvert. Matt is, too. If left to myself, I would like to be by myself. Like, the type of “by myself” where I live alone in a hobbit hole, emerging only for the occasional birthday party for Bilbo Baggins.

 

1.  Intimate Few

Matt and I each have two-to-three people in our lives who know the nitty gritty. It is incredibly encouraging to have same-gendered, mutually supportive friends who know our story and exhort us to more wholeness in Jesus.

Those pieces are key: mutuality and exhortation. One-way relationships are not real friendships. And real friendships are not where you stare at each other, saying how amazing the other is. That’s idolatry. The focus needs to be on not-us.

“The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends,” C.S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves (The Inspirational Writings of CS Lewis, p. 249). “Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers.”

 

2.  Accountability Cardiologist

I mentioned in that last post how my husband is someone to whom I am accountable. I also have a female friend who intentionally, regularly asks me tough questions. But like I mentioned last time regarding effective accountability, she isn’t a police officer; she is a cardiologist who cares more about why I do things than the actual things I do.

3.  Prayer People

We have an incredible crew of people faithfully praying over our ministry and marriage. I have seen miracles because of their love for us (and care for you reading this).

I also try to regularly pray with people one-on-one. I do not pray because I am so holy, but because I am not so holy (but want to be).

4. Marriage Promoters

I am a big advocate of single people, and am grateful the Church has begun to celebrate singleness more. That being said, marriage ain’t easy—no matter your orientation. So, in addition to same-gendered peers who support us, we have one couple with whom we meet regularly to ask the tough, marriage-focused questions. We are also committed to praying specifically for one another’s marriage.

5. People to Follow

[This includes past and current mentors, counselors, parents, etc.]

Matt and I recently had someone we both respect offer to take us under his wing and mentor us. Even writing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. It means so much to have older people look at the pair of us Millennials trying our best to make an impact on the Kingdom, and instead of berate us for our Millennial-ness say, “How can I come alongside you?”

I think there is an extra measure of emotionality added to this offer because of my same-sex attractions. We have had many people reject us—or at least give us the distrustful stink eye until we prove our value and validity of marriage.

To have someone look at our young age and our “odd” marriage and say, “I see those as gifts” is inexplicably healing.

 

6. People to Serve

God has given us the joy to be able to pass along the cups of cold water he gives to us in this desert we call life. We don’t always feel like we have much to offer, but does anyone feel as if they do? “Here’s a great little message to learn,” Pastor Chip Ingram said. “Everyone on the earth is desperately insecure.”

The good news is that within insecurity we see Jesus work the best. “All we need is need,” Pastor Rod VanSolkema recently said. Serving others keeps us in a place of need and expectation for God to move.

7. Fun Folk

My spirit animal is “Sadness” from the Pixar film Inside Out. Jk. (Kinda…) My ability to talk deeply and grieve quickly is a tad bit abnormal.

Plus, our ministry and work can be so sad and hard. We need people who will pull us out of our mourning-with-those-who-mourn lives and encourage us to have fun. (You know if you are those people for us. Bless you and your Enneagram 7-ness.)

8. Challengers

We appreciate those of you who do not hold to the same perspective as us. We do not have all the answers, and your kind, constructive criticism helps us know how to hold theology better.

We are always willing to be wrong in how we hold theological convictions. You teach us how to adjust our posture.

9. Significant Small Pillars

There are some people in our lives who we do not see or talk to very often (or even know in real life #TimKeller), but they maintain an important position. Actual time spent with us is not an indicator of the significant role you play.

10. People Who “Get It”

“The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too?’” Lewis said (248). “‘I thought I was the only one.’” I sigh in my soul when I feel understood. 

It can be about mixed-orientation marriage, big families, staying up late with babies, or navigating a truth/love/grace conversation….When I feel like another person “gets it,” I am more okay in my own skin.

​Do you know what I mean?

***
All of these friends are reflections of God. No one person encapsulates him totally. No one person (or group of people) are worthy of worship. But they image him uniquely and significantly, causing us to worship God even more.

Thank you, Pillar People, for showing these introverted hobbits more of what Jesus looks like.

 

Do the Next Thing:

1.  Reflect: If you read through this and thought, “Whelp. I’m zero for ten. I don’t have any of these people in my life (except Challengers, perhaps). Thanks for rubbing it in, Laur!”

This is when I want to use my mourn-with-those-who-mourn gift, and say, I’m so sorry. There is a loneliness epidemic going on in our world right now–especially with us Millennials. [Check out that link.] I have been there. I can still hang out there. (Remember me? The solo hobbit?) I have no quick fix, but two suggestions:
A. Pray. I prayed for some of these roles to be filled for years. Literal years. You are not a freak for not having all ten of these–or even more than one.  Perhaps you don’t need them all. But if there was a stirring in your heart as you read, ask the Lord if that was him, and pray into that people need.
B. Pursue. Almost none of these relationships just happened. I watched for emotional/spiritual health and fruit of the spirit in someone for a while, and then I pursued them (or they, me/us). Some of those conversations were super awkward. Sometimes, I was rejected. But all the good/bad/awkward has been worth it. You are worth it.

2.  Respond: What Pillar People did I miss? What books, sermons, blogs, podcasts have impacted you in learning how to love people (and let them love you) well?

3. Listen: This Tim Keller sermon from 1997 talks briefly about friendship (yes…I still have a tiny TK obsession). The friendship portion is short, but impacted me. One quote from it: “If you come [to church] and you don’t have a friend with you, you might get inspired by my preaching, but your life isn’t going to be changed. If you don’t have a friend to think about this with, you’re never going to learn.” !!

4. Read: I was inspired to write this blog based on a podcast I heard years ago featuring a champion of the faith, Gordon MacDonald. The link will lead you to an article he wrote for CT Today with a similar thesis as that podcast. One quote: “I suspect that we had to work harder to maintain our secrecy than most people outside the faith do because we often claimed a kind of spiritual union which was rarely the reality.”

[Photos used with permission from unsplash.com.]