When I was first making the connection between my brain and attractions toward women, I promised myself that I would never tell my parents. I was terrified. “Would they reject me? Does this mean I am not a Christian? Or I’m the worst-broken Christian?”
I am so thankful that rejection wasn’t a part of what I encountered, but it was still rocky. Lots of tears shed on this one with my dad, Randy Hekman.
Also lots of cheese-related laughs. We play a game called “To Cheese or Not to Cheese.” Come, laugh, cry, and goof around with us.
Highlights:
“What is love? God gives you love for your kids. Tell me: which of your kids is perfect? Tell me: which of you, mom and dad, is perfect? We need grace. We need to extend grace.” –Randy Hekman
“What does love actually mean? Love means you accept their heart and your care for them.” –Randy Hekman
“Our biggest weapon as parents is what? . . . Our prayers. And God loves our kids more than we do . . . so keep praying. Keep loving. That’s what I say to moms and dads.” –Randy Hekman
Do the Next Thing:
Check out our friends’ amazing Guiding Families resource.
That Luis Palau prayer gathering he was talking about? Check it out here.
That Sticky Faith thing about five mentors? Find it here.
And: What to do when your kid comes out:
- Thank the child sincerely. “Thank you so much for trusting me with what you shared. That must have been really difficult to do.”
- Reaffirm your care and love. “I do not see you any differently. I love you the same as I did five minutes ago.”
- Don’t say, “I thought so,” or even, “I never guessed it.” It makes the child feel like they are either a walking stereotype or a minority of a minority. (By a “minority of a minority,” I mean they may think, “I don’t look gay, but I am gay. I don’t belong with you, but I don’t belong with them.” The result is only more isolation.)
- Ask if it’s okay for you to ask some questions. “Can I ask you more about your experience? Feel free to not answer anything you don’t want to.”
- Ask questions because you are genuinely curious. “I really would love to know, what has it been like for you wrestling through all of this?”
- Ask how they identify. “Would you mind telling me what words you use to describe yourself? Where are you at in this process? How would you like to be addressed?”
- If you’re in a panic about what to say, restate what they just said. “It sounds like you are saying…” Listen for feeling words. “It sounds like it has been really painful to talk with your old friends at school.” This is one way of helping them know that they are heard.
- Ask what their support system is like. “With whom have you shared? What has that been like for you?”
- Ask the child how they feel about themselves. You‘re listening for signs of self-hatred and potential self-harm. Safety is the highest priority based on statistics of LGBTQ teen suicide and harm. “After all this, how do you feel about you?” (Get help if it seems they are a danger to themselves or another.)
- Ask the child how you can support them. “I want to come alongside you any way I can. How can I support you in this season?” (Then do it. Keep your word.)
- Reaffirm your love and care. “Just to reiterate, I love you so much, and I am with you.”
- Hug them (but ask first). “Would it be okay if I hugged you?”