Friendship questions are some of the top inquiries we receive.
Is it biblical to have a best friend? At what point does a friendship turn codependent? What can we do about it?
We cover it with codependency expert, Kelly Needham–someone who loves friendship so much she’s writing a book about it. (And if you recognize that last name, it’s because she is married to Christian worship artist, Jimmy Needham! A little fact we didn’t know until 60 seconds before recording… Our bad.)
We also get real deep into Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast talk, as well as play a game called One Day where we answer who we would like to spend one day with (CCM artist (Kelly only has one right answer!), Food Network Star, Disney character, theologian…)
Highlights//
“We are called to be dependent on someone, but it’s not on each other–it’s on Christ.” –Kelly Needham
“Codependency … is when our emotional sense of well-being becomes tied to another person.” –Kelly Needham
“Over time their friendship became so enmeshed and unhealthy … something that should have been really good (walking someone through pain and suffering) became its own version of sin and suffering.” –Kelly Needham
Do The Next Thing//
Check out Kelly’s blog.
Read Messy, Beautiful Friendship by Christine Hoover.
Read When People are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch.
Read Knowing God by J.I. Packer.
Bonus//
Kelly’s Signs of an Unhealthy Friendship
by Kelly Needham
How can we tell if a friendship is becoming unhealthy? When it begins replacing Jesus, mimicking marriage, justifying sin, or fostering addiction.
1. REPLACING JESUS
Anytime a friend begins to play a role that only Jesus is meant to play, we have a problem.
Jesus is our Savior. And our need for him as Savior isn’t a one time event. Every time we find ourselves unable and helpless to do what we know we need to do, He is our Savior.
Jesus is our mediator. Without him, we cannot be reconciled to God. Without him, we cannot draw near to God. Without him, we cannot have a relationship with God.
Jesus is our shepherd. He guides us and leads us. He directs and protects us.
Jesus is our satisfaction. Jesus told us he is the bread of life and living water. He is what our soul needs to be ok, to have joy and purpose and meaning.
So how can you tell if a friend is replacing Jesus? When our friend:
- Seems more dependable and trustworthy than Jesus.
- Is the first or only person we reach to for help, even before we pray.
- Becomes necessary for us to feel close to God.
- Is the only one we trust to help us make decisions.
- Is necessary for our spiritual health, for our soul’s joy and happiness.
- Is integral to our relationship with God.
- Is the only one who can help us; no other Christian friend will do.
A simple way to see if a friend is replacing Jesus in your life is to notice who you boast in. In 1 Corinthians 1 it says, “Jesus has become for us sanctification, redemption, wisdom from God so that He who boasts boasts in the Lord.” When Jesus is our savior, our wisdom, our mediator and our satisfaction, we brag about him. We boast about whatever is filling these roles in our lives. Who are you bragging about? Who’s presence do you celebrate most? If it isn’t Jesus, but your friend, it’s a sign your friendship has become idolatrous.
2. MIMICKING MARRIAGE
The Bible tells us that marriages alone are to be exclusive, binding, and have a level of “you belong to me” ownership. (Gen 2:24, 1 Cor 7:4, 39) No other relationship gets the title of “one flesh.” No other relationship builds in lifelong commitment.
A friendship is becoming unhealthy when:
- It is exclusive and isolated
- You feel jealous and protective of your friend
- You begin to use romantic or sensual language (“You’re my person, you’e so hot, etc.” )
- You crave physical nearness to each other
3. JUSTIFYING SIN
Sin, in any form, is an immediate threat to our wellbeing. This is why the New Testament abounds in commands to speak the truth in love, to address the sin in one another’s lives, to restore one another to spiritual health by fleeing sin together. So if at any point a friendship begins to cease taking sin seriously, it has ceased to function as God intended it.
A friendship is becoming unhealthy when:
- You are making excuses for sin in each other’s lives.
- You avoid the hard conversations of calling out sin and speaking truth in love.
- It fosters a victim mentality (look at how you’ve been wronged!) rather than helping see the speck in our eyes (where is repentance needed in your life?)
4. FOSTERING ADDICTION
The surest way to know if you are addicted to something is when you can’t say no to it. The inability to say no is the definition of slavery. So when we cannot say no to our desires for a certain friendship, it is an abuse of our freedom in Christ.
A friendship is fostering addiction when:
- You cannot go more than a few hours without talking, texting, or hanging out. You need constant communication to be ok.
- You must share every single detail of life to feel connected and close.
- You lose interested in most other relationships in your life except this one.
- You spend every possible moment together
- You struggle to finish simple tasks like homework or housework because of this friendship
- You associate your wellbeing with your ability to be close to your friend
- You become aggressive toward anything that gets in the way of this friendship
- You feel despair, pain or anxiety when something gets in the way of your friendship
A GREATER HOPE
Maybe you’re reading through these red flags and feel discouraged by how many you see in your own life. Maybe you never thought you had a problem with friendship. Maybe you’ve known a certain friendship in your life is unhealthy and have been ignoring it and now you can ignore it no longer. Wherever you find yourself, don’t be discouraged. You are not alone and Jesus is able to save!
We have all experienced the temptation to look to friendship for more than it can give. It is a temptation that Jesus himself has experienced and never gave in to! He has been victorious over! He is a capable and compassionate Savior to all who turn to him. No situation, however complicated it may seem, is too much for him. Owning our sin, and confessing it to him, is where healing begins. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Why not start right now?
I truly Appreciate this devotional. I have been apart of a very unhealthy co dependent friendship that has made me take a major step back from this person. I have also told this person. At the end of the day only God can heal all of us. No man can ever fill a need that only God can.