How can you be a helpful friend to someone in pain? How can you be a helpful person in pain to your friends? How does co-dependency relate to this? We talk about it on the podcast with a guest, Tammy Perlmattur!

Tammy Perlmutter is founder and curator of The Mudroom, a collaborative blog encouraging women to speak truth, love hard, and enter in with each other, and co-founder of Deeply Rooted, a biannual worship, arts, and teaching gathering for women in Chicago. Tammy is a member of Redbud Writers Guild, an urban beekeeper, and lives in an intentional Christian community in Chicago.

We also talk lent, awkward clothes we used to wear (victorian lace boots? mullets? chopsticks in your hair?), favorite foods growing up (a whole loaf of bread on the table?), and women/friendship and same-sex attraction.

Question of the Week: Did you have a pet growing up? What happened to it?
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Podcast Extras: Here is some of what we talked about concerning friendships in pain–listed.What are signs of a good friend when you are in a tough place? What characteristics do they have?

1. They are not just there to hear your secrets, but can bear your trauma. (It’s more than gossip, they want to walk alongside you.)
2. You can see them walk with other people well. Others trust them.
3. They know how to ask for help themselves.
4. They are not afraid of you—they say, “You’re not too much.”
5. They point you back to Jesus—not themselves.
6. They say hopeful, but not belittling phrases. (Not, “Jesus saves!” Life is not a Disney movie.)
7. They check in.
8. They make you feel like your pain is unique to you, but not like you are a freak.
9. They can say, “I don’t know how to help you, but let’s find someone who can.”

How do you not get co-dependent on these people?

1. Accountability—tell people if you have a quick, deep emotional connection with someone. (If you are married, tell your spouse. “You can ask me at any time.”)
2. Purposely ensuring you maintain other friendships.
3. Hang out with other people in person—to get yourself out of your head.

How can we be helpful people who are in pain? How can we be good friends to our friends who journey with us?

1. Reciprocate care—don’t only receive care. Pay attention to the other’s life.
2. Have fun together. Don’t let your friendship become only about the sorrow.
3. Don’t only have one person be “your person” who you talk to. We need the Body of Christ. Let others help.
4. Know the other person has limitations. It’s not rejection if they can’t be all that you want them to be.
5. Share details as opposed to vague generalities. Not: “It’s tough, but God is good!” But specifics as appropriate.
6. Invite questions. Receive them with grace and make it a safe place for the listener to speak. (As a listener, it can be scary to say the “wrong thing.”)
7. Say what you need. Friends are not mind readers.

Helpful Links: Tammy wrote about her journey with her sexuality here on her Mudroom Blog site. You can also find her here:

The Mudroom: www.mudroomblog.com
Deeply Rooted: www.deeplyrootedchicago.com
Facebook: https://facebook.com/tammygrrrl
Twitter: https://twitter.com/tammygrrrl