July 15, 2014
(I asked my husband, Matt, to write a bit about what it was like to be married to me. I didn’t expect to nearly start convulse-sobbing when I read what he wrote! Here it is…)
Hello!
My name is Matt–also known as Laurie’s husband. 😉
Laurie has asked me to share some of my perspective on being married to her while she experiences ongoing attractions to the same sex.
As her husband I have the unique position of not only seeing her daily walk but also walking with her.
I’ll be honest, sometimes it is a difficult burden to bear. I have never experienced attractions to the same sex. So, even though I try and listen and empathize, it’s something I cannot fully understand.
That can be hard for her and hard for me–this not truly understanding.
When I wrestled with fear, depression, and heterosexual pornography, I always felt safe talking with my pastor, youth pastor, and small group leader. I have never had to work through them with a sense of complete isolation.
Laurie has. I am deeply proud of her standing up to fight against isolation for others like her. Laurie has a painful but wonderful story to tell of how God has become the Need Meeter of her soul.
Even though there are times that she’s scared to speak out, she knows that by sharing her own journey she is doing something to dispel that sense of isolation that leaves so many people feeling trapped. Laurie is stepping out in courage to talk about an issue that far too many Christians are comfortable leaving behind.
But enough of that tangent. 🙂 Laurie wanted me to talk about what it is like to be married to someone who is attracted to the same sex. Frankly, I don’t think of it any differently than being married to someone who doesn’t experience this.
I married my best friend, and I love her no matter what.
Laurie’s experience doesn’t effect me on a daily basis. I’m aware of it, but it’s not something that is consuming me with worry. I don’t care that she’s not attracted to other guys. (Sometimes I find that quite reassuring.)
But what if she leaves me for a woman?
Honestly, that possibility that lingers in my head, but I think that would be easier to cope with than if she left me for another man. If she left for another man, I would always wonder what I did wrong as a man to drive her away. But short of transitioning to female, I cannot make myself a woman. The only thing I need to worry about is being the best husband I possibly can, God empowering me.
I love Laurie. I love her unique walk because that is part of who she is. I can’t cut that part out of her and still keep her the same woman with whom I fell in love.
So, the experience doesn’t really matter. Yes, it makes things hard at times, but it’s strange how challenges can grow us even closer, isn’t it? Through it all, and often because of it all, Laurie unquestionably remains the women for whom I would give up everything.
As much as I love Laurie, I know that our relationship does not “fix” her. In my opinion there is nothing to fix. Laurie may wrestle with this for the rest of her life, but I know that her experience causes her to lean on God.
Why would you want to fix that? It is her reliance on God that gives Laurie the strength to do what she does. It’s only because of her experience that she has been given a heart to speak out for all of you who may feel silenced. That’s amazing.
However, the fact that she is speaking out has put a target on her back. Satan hates my wife—just as he hates all of us. But she’s not listening to him when he tells her that she’s broken and worthless: that her wrestling with this version of sexual brokenness makes her less than a child of God should be. She’s not listening when a bunch of “christians” say that God hates her for her experience. She hears them, but she chooses to reject those lies.
Each and every one of us is deeply flawed from the second we took our first breath. We are people living in a fallen world. My flaws are no better or worse than anyone else’s. ALL have fallen short of God’s glorious standard.
But even though we are all sinful and depraved people, God chose to give up everything for us. He gave up everything for me, he gave everything for Laurie, and he gave everything for you.
It doesn’t matter what you have done, are doing, or have yet to do. GOD LOVES YOU with everything that he has.
I’m sorry. I’m rambling a bit. But I can when it comes to how great my Laurie is. She’s the best person I’ve ever known. She’s my best friend. She’s about to bring our baby girl into this crazy world and I would be happy if my daughter turned out like her—struggles and all.
God bless you all. Know that you are loved.
Matt
(This was written in July 2014. In the succeeding years, God allowed more bumps in our journey that almost led to ending our marriage for good. These bumps tested Matt’s words above, but praise God, he would still same the same–and more–today. I would, too. To read read all about it, check out our book with InterVarsity Press on it at ImpossibleMarriage.com)
