Temptation in a Pandemic: 5 Tools I’m Using

By: Laurie Krieg

April 28, 2020

Can we talk about temptation in this pandemic? Anyone else feeling it cranking up right now?

Here we are, either alone or with the same spouse, kids, housemates, or the same someone—every day for the last x number of days— and then we see something else.

Someone else—and we want it. We want them. We want that. It, they, that seems like it will scratch the itch; like it will give us what we need inside.

That pan of brownies. That third glass of wine. That next episode. That extra nap. That show. That video. That next follower. That next deal. That guy. That girl.

That happened to me last week. I didn’t even realize I felt empty until I saw her. Yep. Her. If I am going to struggle with lust, it’s toward women.

People don’t seem to understand this, and I get it. Whenever I share my story, people cock their heads like puppies learning a new command, and say aloud or silently (with a raised eyebrow) one of three things:

  1. The world (generally speaking): “You’re attracted to women? You get a get-out-of-jail free card! Leave your husband. Find a wife. Just…please, stop that mess of a life you’re living—for the love of the real you!”
  2. The dogmatic church (generally speaking): “Yikes. Women don’t struggle with sexual stuff—let alone same-sex sexual stuff! Gross. Ew. Silence. Please, figure that mess out and then come back and talk when you are wrestling with something else.”
  3. The gospel-centered church (generally speaking): “You wrestle with temptation? Me too. Wanna hang out?”

So that we can move on and talk about the actual issue we all face in these days (temptation to get our needs met outside of God), I’m going to briefly address each of these lenses with which someone might view my life.

1. Addressing the world’s lens:

Hi, people in the world. I love you. I really do. And if I hadn’t been discipled like I was in my young 20s, I would agree with you and fight exactly from your perspective—probably on the front lines. However, I was discipled, and learned that the question isn’t “Who are you attracted to?” or “Who do you love?” The question we must ask when it comes to sexuality is, “What is marriage?”

According to the United States? Marriage begins when you sign a document. According to the Bible? Marriage is a one-flesh, covenant union between two opposite sex people for life.

Here’s one of my favorite biblical reasons why (you can find more here):

When the Pharisees question Jesus about adultery in Matthew 19:3-5, Jesus says, “Haven’t you read . . . that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’ And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one’?”

In this passage, Jesus links the creation of male and female (“made them male and female” found in Gen. 1:27) to the one-flesh union (“the two will become one flesh” found in Gen. 2:24). So what is a one-flesh union according to Jesus here? It is a uniting of “the two.” Which two? Two humans? Two people who love each other? No—man and wife, male and female. According to the Bible, a one-flesh union (what we call marriage), is a uniting of male and female.

The questions we should be asking of marriage aren’t “Who do you love, and who are you attracted to?” They should be, “Are you called to marriage? Great. (And if not, equally great.) But if so, to which opposite-sex person?”

God called me to marriage, therefore to an opposite-sex person, and that person He chose for me is Matt.

2. Addressing the dogmatic church’s lens:

Hello. I love you, too. I used to be like you—even when I wrestled with my own attractions to women. Call it hypocrisy, denial, whatever…all I know is God helped me to understand sin is sin. Jesus had to die for it all—equally. Are you willing to see my sin wrestling as equally deserving of death as yours? Here’s a good check to see if you do: “If my husband, Matt and I are looking at the same woman with lust in our hearts, who is sinning more?”

3. Addressing the gospel-centered church’s lens:

Hi. Let’s be friends.

Okay, we good? Let’s talk temptation.

So, here I was, and I saw her.

I was slammed—let me tell you—slammed with desire.

What was happening? I like to scale my temptation so I can self-evaluate and share with Matt and other friends. I usually hang out at like 2-4 out of 10 on the temptation scale, but I was at about an 8. That’s really high for me when I’ve been at the 2-4 range for a couple of years.

But I hung out at an 8 for days. I asked God for help, prayed against the enemy, and I tried my best to fight the “right enemy” as I said in the last post, but I was stuck in the “avoidance” wave.

And I was sinking.

Sinking looked like drowning in old habits from “the dark years” of our marriage. The specifics of those years are another story, but the habits primarily looked like isolating from Matt. In tough times I become cordial but icy.

“Laurie,” Matt began when I finally broke the ice and shared what was going on. “I’m okay with you wrestling with temptation, but please don’t run from me emotionally while you’re fighting it.”

Okay. Deal! I’ll try.

So, I attempted to keep my heart open to him.

However, how can we both look away from our spouse–staring at temptation, while also walking toward our spouse–seeking open-hearted union with them?

We can’t walk in two different directions at the same time.

If marriage is a picture of Christ’s love for the church, how can we both look away from Jesus–staring at temptation, while also walking toward Jesus–seeking union with Him?

We cannot walk in two different directions at the same time.

I needed the tools God forged for us during the dark years.

 

  1. Tool 1: Just Talk

 

“Matt?” I said. “I need to tell you what I am feeling.” That’s a tool: Simply opening my mouth and sharing what I’m thinking about. Temptation grows in isolation and silence. (My flesh wants that, but the Spirit in me doesn’t.) So, I opened my mouth.

“I am really struggling right now. Like at an 8.” He knows what that means, and knew I needed to be specific to rip off some shame layers, but I couldn’t be overly graphic.

Why not? I always put myself in Matt’s shoes. What would I want him to share with me if he were attracted to another woman? Hmm: I would want him to share generally—especially when it comes to physical stuff. Otherwise, it would hurt too much.

I shared, but there was more to dig up. Not physical words, but heart ones.

The issue is never just the issue. Sexual desire is more than about sexual desire.

I believe there is heart language in every temptation, and I needed to speak it to get a better grip on this overwhelming temptation.

 

  1. Tool 2: Connect the Temptation to a Core Need

 

Which brings us to the next tool: Below our behaviors are what we call Core Needs. Core Needs are good things God allowed in us before the Fall to feel and drive us to look to Him to fill. We are to look through creation to Him as the Need Meeter of our hearts.

However, most of us take a detour. Instead of looking through gifts to the Giver, we stare at the gifts and say, “Fill me.”

Even though I know Core Needs, I couldn’t name which one felt empty and was driving me to an extra level of temptation toward this woman.

“I need to just say aloud what I am envisioning,” I said. I paused as I pictured it. “I picture her saying, ‘Wow, Laurie, you are so talented. You are so smart, and funny. I like you.’”

That was the fantasy? It’s not all physical? No. The issue is never the issue, guys! We are holistic people.

There’s heart language in the middle of every desire.

But what was I hoping in this scene that this woman would meet in my heart? Well, she’s verbally affirming me. Affirmation. She’s meeting the affirmation Core Need.

Now, I know that a woman won’t actually meet that need in me—permanently. But when you’re drowning in the murky fog of temptation, can you discern that very clearly? I can’t. I mean, we know that third glass of wine or the whole bag of chips won’t bring safety and the real rest we need, but we still can go there. We know the next 10 followers won’t make us feel like we are included and noticed, but some of us still want them. We know scoring that next business deal won’t make us feel like we have permanent purpose, but we can crave it.

We often don’t think about what we are thinking about. We just live. We choose.

We are tempted…and when it comes to “acceptable” God-replacers? (What God calls idols?) We often dive in without thinking.

But I can’t when it comes to a woman. (And shouldn’t with the other things—sin is sin…) But, what’s next?

 

  1. Tool 3: Think Through Why that Core Need is Extra Depleted Right Now

 

So, affirmation is low, but why?

I mean, can’t we just look at COVID and say, “It’s your fault, ya dumb virus and subsequent shelter-in-place!” This is what many of us say when we feel our rest need draining, and then simply grab more chips and wine.

Buuuuut, I can’t. (And shouldn’t with the other idols… They are equal God-replacers if I’m looking to them to fill me instead of God…) I can’t reach out for that woman. That would be violating the covenant metaphor I am living with Matt.

So, I looked deeper. What is it about this time that is highlighting this lack of affirmation? Well, I’m a speaker. I’m not getting the opportunity to teach! I am not being affirmed—in person—and therefore I don’t have the chance to look through my image-bearing audience to the Image who affirms me.

I also am not meeting in-person with friends hardly at all. That’s hard. No affirmation there.

I’m with my kids constantly, and they (rightfully so) take a lot in this season as opposed to give. But, my affirmation need drains with them.

And Matt. This is his weakest place. For our entire dating and marriage, I have been asking him to verbally affirm me. (Side note: He gave me permission to share this.) He does affirm me for a while, but…it is his greatest challenge.

But, again: I have to put myself his shoes. Laurie, what have you been working on your whole marriage? What’s Matt’s greatest Core Need and where you struggle to meet it in the way he wants?

Hmm. The need to be desired through physical connection is the greatest way he experiences love from me and love from God through me.

His greatest need bumps up against my weakest place. My greatest need bumps up against his weakest place.

Sometimes, marriage seems like a big, cosmic joke.

Or is it God’s grace?

If Matt was automatically amazing at affirming me, I might be tempted to let him get in line in the “idol making factory” of my soul. “Thanks for affirming me…more, more. I need more.

Just like God uses my attractions toward women to encourage me to look to Him, God also uses Matt’s lack of ability to automatically affirm me to encourage me to look to Him.

That’s kinda the point my life: To make everything point to Jesus.

The same is true for Matt’s attractions toward other women besides me. It forces Matt to turn to God. The same is true for my lack of auto-desiring him physically. It forces Matt to look to God.

That’s kinda the point point of his life: To make everything point to Jesus.

Our weakest defaults can become strength if they cause us to repeatedly turn to God.

 

  1. Tool 4: Take it to God

 

And that’s what I did.

I took my Bible and journal and slammed my pen on the page. I wrote it all out to God—all that I wanted. I wasn’t lollygagging in the fantasy; I was getting brutally honest before a Holy God who can handle it. This opened up my heart to Jesus. Even though I was praying while feeling the waves of temptation, my heart was not open to God. (We can’t run toward Him while also running away from His best for us. We can’t walk in two different directions at the same time.)

Getting honest with Him cracked it back open. Ahhh. Warmth. He encouraged me there. Affirmed me. “I’m so proud of you, Laurie,” I heard Him say through the Word and in that still, small voice of my heart.

There is no affirmation like God’s.

But truly? Journaling and reading didn’t completely fill the empty place in my heart (and then I subsequently ran back to Matt with open arms). No. But reaching out to God did do something. It gave me a towrope to grip while I crawled back to shore.

 

  1. Tool 5: Invite Friends In

 

If you’re single and reading this? Hopefully, you invited friends in at Tool 1, but if you’re married or single, invite them in again. “This is so hard. Do you see me here? Can you help me?”

A couple of friends did. Again, their words and encouragement didn’t fill up the empty places in my heart completely, but they did do something. They gave me a towrope to grip while I crawled back to shore.

All of these things—talking with Matt, learning the heart word connected with it, reaching out to God, reaching out to friends—combined helped to slowly inch me back to a 4 out of 10 on the wrestling scale. That’s normal for me.

I’m likely going to wrestle intensely again. I’m going to have to figure out what need is extra depleted again, go to Matt, go to friends, and go to Jesus again and again.

Especially in this season. This is a hard season, guys. Our needs can feel extra without fellow image-bearing humans to give us a tangible example of Jesus.

But I’m going to do it. I’m going to go back to God. Again. And again. Not just with this—but shoot. Writing this has made me even more convicted about other idols I run to. (The acceptable types—chips, Netflix, people pleasing, perfectionism—all of them.)

But if we keep reaching out, grabbing that towrope, crawling back to shore, we are going to get stronger, friends. Stronger and more unified with each other and God.

That’s what He wants.

That’s what gives Him glory.

That’s what actually fills those empty places. Slowly. Not often in the ways we want. But always in the ways we need.

Don’t give up.

I won’t either.

 

Do the Next Thing:

 

  1. Consider: Where have you been running? What do you think it will meet in you? What Core Need is that? Why do you think it feels extra right now? How can you take that to God? What is He saying to you? Which friend can you invite in? If you’re married, what have you shared with your spouse?
  2. Sign Up: Our book is coming out Nov 3! (Eek!) Sign up at the bottom of this page to stay informed with it and all other things we are doing. <3

 

Pre-Order An Impossible Marriage

20 thoughts on “Temptation in a Pandemic: 5 Tools I’m Using

  1. What about times you don’t feel close or connected to God? Generally in the midst of temptation. That disconnectedness makes going to God a much tougher choice.

    1. Yeah. I feel that! This is where the Word of God has to speak to our heads if our hearts won’t listen. “I have loved you with an everlasting love…” (Jer. 31:3) “God is slow to anger rich in love…” (Ps. 103:8). Even though you don’t feel loved by God, even though you don’t feel like you want to be close to Him, know He is there waiting for you (Ps. 34:18, James 4:8). Tell yourself this, and read “safe” Psalms (that don’t trigger you) or verses that wash you in the truth of His love. His Word isn’t just words…it’s alive. Speak it over yourself. Read it over yourself–the passages that can look into the tiny open crack of your heart and slowly pry it open. And then…write to Him. Yell at Him. Talk to Him. Keep that tiny bit of your heart open so you can be ready when you hear Him, but get honest. “God? I don’t want to talk to you. I am aching, Jesus. How do you really feel about me?” And if you’re hearing evil things? It’s not from Him. Read what is from Him until the still, small voice matches the Bible’s words. If it’s still too hard? Reach out to a Jesus-fearing, graceful person who can hear you and speak love and life over you. They are truth embodied. I’m praying for you.

  2. Laurie,
    There is so much depth here. You eloquently explain the uncomfortable process of how the depth of the gospel relates to something surface level like temptation. I am so grateful for this depth because surface level behavior modification doesn’t work (long term) and doesn’t help us encounter Jesus. Thank you for being real about how emotionally and spiritually difficult dealing with temptation really is. We are all feeling it. The desire to escape the pain and unmet needs is sooooo real. I am feeling it too. One day, one hour, one minute at a time. Let’s not walk through this alone.
    Thank you thank you for sharing!!

    1. Man, thanks, Kerri. Yes…we MUST look below the surface…otherwise we just cope…until we don’t. Blessings, sister and friend.

  3. Hey Laurie,

    As always, a great post – honest, vulnerable, challenging and encouraging. Question for you…when using Tool #2, do you ever discover that the thing you are tempted to run to (instead of God) is not so much promising to meet a specific core need but is simply indicating you have a depleted area and you are in pain over it? I sometimes find myself moving toward a temptation as a way of escaping. If I am gut-level honest, I do not think that object (thing, person, food, etc.) will meet my core need (like the woman in your example), but it will allow me to numb out for a bit. I.e. a bag of chips or a person to whom I am attracted is never something/someone I believe will meet my core need for being purposed – however, during this crisis, with a lot of my work on hold (especially a significant project that launched 2 months before the crisis hit), I am well aware (after reading your post) that this core need went from full to empty in the last few weeks. So, even though I do not think the “replacement gods” I turn to actually promise to fill that need, they do challenge me to ask where my core needs are and am I feeling the pain of an empty tank somewhere. At that point, simply escaping to something pleasurable (though ultimately painful) does the trick for a short moment. Does this ring true for you at times as well?

    1. Eric, thanks so much for your reflection. I am actually going to invite Matt to respond to this. He does such a great job at explaining escapism from his perspective (and his clients/friends). Matt?

  4. Hey Eric,

    Great thoughts!
    This is something that I definitely see in my own life, and in many clients that I work with. A lot of times escapism can be tied to a core need (or needs). I often deal with pornography issues, so I will use that as an example. Many times, if I ask people when they are most likely to consume pornography they will come up with four scenarios. When they are: stressed, lonely, bored, or hormonal… Aside from hormonal, the other three can point back to a lack in one or more core needs. Stressed points to a desire for rest, lonely can point to a desire for inclusion, bored can point to purpose. While none of the people I work with would ever say “porn is my purpose” it is that felt lack that can ramp up their temptation. They desire to feel something. This often leads them to escape from their real lives in order to try and feel that thing (whatever it is) in a false life. I believe that this is the core of escapism, trying to momentarily meet your needs through something that is not real or lasting.
    One of the chief dangers of this escapism is the fact that is not only doesn’t meet that need, it numbs you to feeling it for a time and actively inhibits your ability to really get the need met through your real life and real relationship with a real God who really loves you. For real.

  5. Thanks Matt,
    Yes – that makes complete sense. There is no doubt this crazy time of sheltering-in-place, changing of routines and setting aside of key work projects has created a perfect storm in me for feeling a loss of purpose (primary core need that feels unmet). I can also see some of the other core needs at play here. I am a bit of an analytical, concrete thinker so I was just trying to link the desire to escape (which I know all too well) with unmet core needs. What you have shared makes sense and aligns with my experiences. I think I have just been caught off-guard (as has everybody) during this time and have experienced some core needs deficits that I had not experienced as powerfully before. Thanks for the insight.

  6. Laurie and Matt, one of my favorite sayings is this one: “Quit listening to yourself and start preaching to yourself.” Like in Psalm 42 “Why are you so downcast, O my soul, put your hope in God.”
    For me, reading this post was a way to ask my soul a question and then to speak to my soul. That is what journaling is for me and I see it is for you as well.
    This post is like prophecy for the body of Christ. I do think that God is wanting to use this period of shut down for his own purposes both individually and corporately. For me this morning I was reminded to speak truth to my soul when I am tempted to escape (thanks, Matt for your insight) and your own marriage is inspiring me to examine my own depth of honesty with Melanie.
    Grace to you!

    1. Dave. You are so great at taking what I say and immediately going big-picture gospel and personal. Thanks for humbling leading that way, mentor/friend.

  7. Thank you Laurie for being transparent with your difficulties and giving us the tools to understand what is underneath pushing us to succumb to them and tools to overcome by seeking the LORD and the help of godly friends and our spouses. Praying for you! Press on dear Sister in Christ… God is with you!

    1. Thank you! You are so welcome. We can’t do this on our own…and we can’t do any of this by staying surface level!

  8. Hi, thanks for this post! I’m looking forward to your book release in November. Can you explain more about the idea behind Core Needs and people/God? How if we’re supposed to get them met in God, ultimately, and he uses others to meet them…and we suddenly feel depleted, when does it become idolatrous to seek them from people? Knowing that He meets these needs most deeply, but uses others to meet them?

    I’m having a hard time grasping when, if God uses other people to get these Core Needs met, this becomes idolatrous when we’re seeking it from others? If God is meeting that need through others, when does it become sin to want that from someone? For example, it’s appropriate to desire affirmation from your husband, but you share it could became idolatrous…where is that line? When would it become idolatrous? I’m looking to better understand this both in terms of biblical, healthy ways and in sinful, unhealthy ways.

    I’m thinking of how God thought it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and made Eve… that in this, there were certain needs He wanted to meet through another human, and not just in their relationship. If this is so, when does this become idolatrous?

    I understand and believe that God meets needs through Himself and through other humans (but ultimately that’s from him, too). So, how does it work to be going ONLY to God, “the Need Meter,” but also to humans, to meet get those needs met?

    Hope some of this made sense, ha.

    Thank you!

    1. This makes a million-percent sense! Here’s two ways I check if something (someone) has become an idol:

      1. Ask myself, “Am I looking *to* them or *through* them?” If Matt affirms me, am I staring at him and saying, “More more more!” Or am I looking through him to Jesus, and saying, “Ahh…thank you for affirming me through Matt.” I don’t need to be weird and say that aloud, but I can envision it. 😉

      2. Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m looking to someone or through someone. Here’s how I check further: Someone fails me. Matt doesn’t affirm me. Someone doesn’t notice me. Someone doesn’t desire me, etc. etc. [insert Core Need] but I LOSE it (even quietly). I throw a silent or loud adult tantrum. “You never…! You always…! Why can’t you…!” I can be sad about something (God wants us to build each other up!), but am I devastated? To borrow from Tim Keller: “We are all in bed with something, but you can tell when it is taken away.” If when x, y, z thing (Core Need) is not met, am I still rooted and establish din the love of God? If not? That’s usually a “check engine” light on my soul to tell me to look deeper and surrender that Need that has become an idol.

      I hope this helps…

  9. Thanks for the insightful comments and reflections on temptation which all of us have in various degrees.

  10. Pingback: URL

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Continue Reading