December 16, 2019
“Help me, Jesus,” I prayed under my breath while getting ready for work.
It’s a usual prayer I offer up, and it seemed critical as I tried to surrender some swirling anxieties in my head. I just wanted Jesus.
But my oldest, the ever-perceptive, five-year-old, Gwyn, halted me in my anxious praying. “Mom? Why are you so sad all the time?”
I stopped, sat my backpack down, and then sat myself down. I looked into her eyes. She was genuinely curious. I felt genuinely defensive. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit helped me to set my defensiveness aside and thank her. “Wow, Gwyn. Thanks for telling me that. Do I seem sad all the time?”
“Yes,” she looked at my sideways. “Why are you?”
Yes. Why am I? I thought about it being winter in Michigan. (But almost Christmas!) I thought about the giant burden I bear with a huge ministry shift about to happen. (But it’s a good one!) I thought about being an Enneagram 4. (I’m just deep!) I thought about trauma from my past . . .
Dangit it. That’s it. Again.
Trauma. Stupid trauma. The return on investments for the kingdom of darkness when it comes to childhood sexual assault is so large and terrible. Even though I’ve gone through so much healing, there are always more areas of my heart and mind to clean.
This week, a friend who has also experienced childhood sexual assault, told me about a habit she has that seems innocent and funny. After laughing, however, I felt prompted to ask, “Is it your trauma making you do that or the Holy Spirit?”
She was convicted. “It’s the trauma,” she said.
Now it was my turn for similar conviction: Is it my trauma holding me back from joy or the Holy Spirit?
“Be joyful always.” The verse from 1 Thessalonians 5:16 popped into my head. Well, if that’s God’s Word, then my sad default cannot be caused by the Holy Spirit, so … it must be something else. For me, the culprit seemed to be trauma.*
When we go through trauma, pain, and suffering (especially as children), many of us learn to anticipate more trauma, pain, and suffering.
Joy feels risky. Happy is scary. If you expect the worst, you aren’t disappointed if the worst happens. But, if you are joyful and something bad happens, well, you have just experienced what we call “a sad surprise.”
A sad surprise is when you are skipping along merrily with your day and blammo, you stub your toe. You hit a car. You lose your job. You get hurt.
A sad surprise.
It feels better to always be sad—always anticipate the toe stub, the car crash, the job loss, the pain, and then you won’t be doubly sad if it’s a surprise.
I hate sad surprises. We all do. I’m not sure if I extra hate them because every instance of childhood sexual assault I experienced occurred around happy events: A game. A dance class. Looking at toys. Blammo. Saddest surprise.
But even if that is true, why am I still letting trauma have power in my life?
Why am I letting trauma bear fruit? I am cultivating the dark effects of evil—protecting it—by doing what it wants me to do: Anticipating the worst. Not pursuing joy.
Ugh. Joy.
Risky joy.
Joy to the world.
Risky joy to the world.
Jesus knew when He started His ministry what His job was: Change the world through His torturous death and miraculous life. He knew he would die. But even though He did, He did not let it stop His joy.
Kids were drawn to him. They didn’t ask him why he was sad all the time. And if they did (because for some reason He seemed sad to them), He could have given them a valid excuse: “Well, kids, I’m about to suffer terribly, endure intense shame, take on the sins of the world (including yours), and go to hell and back. You think you might be a bit sad?”
He knew his forthcoming sad not-so-much-a-surprise . . . but He still chose joy.
Can I?
Can I risk pursuing joy?
Joy to the world?
Be joyful always?
Can I do it?
Will I do it?
I hope so. Now that I am aware because of the convicting question from my five-year-old, I hope I will. But I don’t want to fast-forward the process. Instead, I want to look over at you siblings, and ask you if you can empathize.
Does this resonate with you?
Does joy feel risky to you?
How do you pursue joy anyways—without it feeling fake?
Hit me up.
*I have experienced clinical depression, and I am not in a season of that right now. I am, instead, habitually not pursuing joy. Sad feels safer. If you are experiencing clinical depression, I see you. I pray the Holy Spirit, a good therapist, and killer friends are walking with you well.
- Respond: What do you think? Does joy feel risky? Easy? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
- Read: Although I’m still walking through this, I do see how even though trauma can wire our brain to expect more suffering, gratitude can rewire it as well. More to come on that in the next post…
- Read: That next post. 😉
To my knowledge, I have not experienced childhood trauma, but I still have spent most of my life defaulting to sad. I actually think part of this was being taught in the church at a young age that “joy” and “happiness” are two different things. (Which I believe they are, but also related things, which maybe got less air time.) I was familiar with all the verses about how we would have to suffer as followers of Jesus and since I didn’t (and kinda still don’t) believe personal happiness is the greatest good, I failed to recognize when joy had “left the building.” Or possibly never even entered it. God’s been doing a work on me regarding joy over the last few years–maybe starting when I was asked to speak on it at a women’s retreat three years ago!
Man, thanks for sharing. The more we can look over at each other as opposed to down…no matter our experiences, the more we can be the CHURCH! Thanks for sharing.
I so agree! And I will try to come back and share more. 😉 Thanks for the open “space.”
Thanks, Laurie! Even though I did not experience childhood trauma, I have learned the difference between happiness and JOY. Happiness is fleeting, and JOY, well JOY comes from another place. As God has chipped away at me over these many years, I have been able to experience JOY even in the midst of small squalls or hurricanes. Keep sharing and I’ll keep reading.
Thanks so much, Jack! I appreciate your heart and words. I have so many I am writing in my head…trying to scramble out of the big transition in ministry. I’ll be posting more! I want to talk a bit more about trauma…