May 26, 2020

Hi! My name is Amanda, and I recently started working for Laurie and her ministry as her administrative assistant. There are many reasons I said “yes” to this job, but one of them is my own story of redemption–that redemption story happened (and is happening) in our marriage. I love that this ministry is dedicated to cultivating more gospel redemption stories like ours.

Here is a piece of ours:

Part 1: The Confession

 

“Amanda, we need to talk,” my husband said.

Johnny and I had been married nine years and had had conversations that began this way before. But the way he said it this time paired with his fearful eyes made my stomach drop.

I braced myself, but nothing could have prepared me for what came out of Johnny’s mouth.

“I am an alcoholic,” he began. “I’ve been drinking a lot and hiding it from you.” My eyes widened. “I have been addicted to porn and masturbation for most of our marriage.” My head started spinning. “Amanda, there’s more: I’ve cheated on you.” I couldn’t breathe.

Each confession seemed to tie more knots around my heart until I was gasping for breath.

Now, this is the part of the story where I could dive headfirst into each lie, betrayal, and the deep and real agony I experienced (to hear some of that, listen to this episode of the podcast), but I want to focus on God’s presence in this very dark season of our lives.

Yes, it’s true, Johnny’s confession meant a total life change for our family. He was a youth pastor of a thriving church for nine years.  He and I were deeply rooted at that church and had the privilege of watching it and the youth ministry grow over the years we were invested in it. It wasn’t just a job to us—that church was our family.

The day that Johnny confessed to me his hidden addictions and the adultery was also the day he confessed everything to his bosses—the shepherds of our beloved family—as well.

 

Within a few days, our everything was stripped away.

 

Johnny rightly lost his job, but it felt like we lost everything.

I remember feeling like I was drowning.  I felt helpless, out of control—a complete wreck—and totally unable to fix my shattered life. I couldn’t fix my husband. I couldn’t fix my marriage. I couldn’t fix our job, home or financial situations. I couldn’t fix my broken trust or my broken heart. We had many choices ahead of us, but the biggest one for me was the choice to fix my eyes on Jesus.

As the realization hit me of my own helplessness, I remember having a very short conversation with God.

“God,” I said, “you’re going to have to fix this, because I can’t.”

I felt surrender that I had never felt before. Oh, sure, there were times in my life that I “surrendered” things to Jesus, but this was different: This was complete helplessness. This felt like many internal deaths—the primary one being the awareness that I never really had been in control of my life or anyone’s life for that matter.

It felt like the end of me. (Can you relate?)

When I think of how I felt in this moment, I think of Hagar in Genesis 16 and 21.  This woman gets it.  Hagar was an Egyptian slave who belonged to Abraham and Sarah.  Sarah was tired of waiting for the promised child from God, so she took matters into her own hands and offered Hagar to her husband as a means of supplying an heir.  So Hagar gives birth to Ishmael, but then later Sarah does in fact have her own son Isaac.   Tension rises in the family, and Sarah asks that Hagar and Ishmael be sent away (Genesis 21:10).  So Abraham sends Hagar and Ishmael off with some food and a skin of water, and she “went on her way and wandered in the Desert of Beersheba” (Genesis 21:14).

So here’s Hagar, a single mother, who’s alone and wandering in a desert with a young child to take care of, with nothing but some food and a skin of water.  I’m sure she’s terrified of what lies ahead and the thought of how she is going to provide for her son.  She was once a part of a family where she was guaranteed provision and security, but now all that is gone.

And it gets worse.

The skin of water is now gone and her son is dying.  She puts her son under a bush and walks away.  She thought “I cannot watch the boy die” (Genesis 21:16).  Then she starts sobbing.

Here’s where I can really connect with how Hagar was probably feeling right about now.  She is at the end of herself.

And it’s here that the God “who sees her” speaks to her.

“What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there.  Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.” Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.  God was with the boy as he grew up.  He lived in the desert and became an archer.  While he was living in the Desert of Paran, his mother got a wife for him from Egypt.” (Genesis 21:17-21)

Hagar calls God “the God who sees me”(Genesis 16:13). And He did see her. And cared for her and her son.

We don’t know how she got from point A–almost dying, to point B–seeing her son grow up, become an archer, and get married, but we do know the first step: she cried, her son cried, God heard, and gave them water. It started with tears and the answer was water.

Maybe you’re in a desert right now and the future looks pretty bleak. All you can do is cry. All you can do is cry out.

Do you believe that God sees you? Hears you?

He does.  And He has some water for you—like He had for us.

It wasn’t what we expected or how we expected it, but it was good. So good.

 

Part 2: God Met Us in Our Desert

Before I jump back into our story, I just want to share why I decided to stay in my marriage. For me, the decision was clear, I was not going to divorce my husband.  A big part of this decision was being raised by parents who stayed committed to each other even though they could have easily walked away from each other.  I had seen for myself the redemptive work of God in my parents’ marriage.  I knew God wanted to redeem ours.  Another huge part of this decision for me was knowing that my husband was truly broken and repentant.  He was willing to do whatever he needed to start building my trust again.  Sometime, I will share more of what this decision looked like and the practical things we did to start repairing what had been broken.  But for now, let’s just jump back in.

I had reached the end of myself.

I was like Hagar in Genesis 21, helpless and unable to change or fix my situation. “God,” I prayed, “you’re going to have to fix this, because I can’t.”

After praying this, I felt my heart open. I cried out, I opened my heart, and a strange, settling peace descended.

I don’t have control of my life anymore, but I never had control of my life.

Instantly, I felt him near.  Immediately, I had this assurance that He would provide and make a way in this desert.

What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there.  Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.” Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water (Gen. 21:17-18).

Just as God opened Hagar’s eyes to the well that offered life nearby, God opened our eyes to life-giving water that offered us life.

The first cup of water came with a job with pigs.

Yes, pigs.  And yes, like the prodigal son. Within the first week of job loss, a family friend offered Johnny a job at their company. Johnny went from being a beloved youth pastor of a large church to working in hog barns—sometimes getting down and dirty in the pig manure. It was very humbling at times, but it offered stability and security to our family in a time when everything was falling apart.  And we found this job was exactly what we needed.

The following week, I met with a woman I barely knew but learned had recently walked a similar path to us. The Spirit spoke through her as she spoke life and hope into the death of my marriage.

“Amanda, God is saving your husband right now.”

She reminded me that Johnny’s confession was actually God’s loving-kindness.  This was another glass of water.

Soon after we met with a married couple who have a ministry doing marriage intensives.  Not only did they speak truth and life into our lives boldly and gently, but they led us through a powerful weekend of healing and redemption that we will never forget.  This was water in the desert.

As we unfolded our story to our families, my parents and sisters offered love, forgiveness and support when they could have chosen resentment and distancing.  In fact, my dad’s first words to my husband were, “I’m proud of you son.  You’ve humbled yourself before God and man.”

This was water!

In this desert season, I joined a weekly Bible study, which kept me in the Word. My husband also sought out regular accountability from a close friend.  Being in the Word daily helped me to see the lies that were seeking to divide our family, and Johnny’s accountability partner helped him to remain true to his commitments and have someone to talk to and laugh with during a very lonely and shaming time for him. This was water.

Our small group was critical.

Our lives were falling apart, and we let them walk us through the messiest months of our lives. This was hard. They were from the church we left, but they were still family—and we were theirs. We found ourselves surrounded by them and other friends who consistently loved, supported, checked in, and prayed for us at a time when we felt alone and abandoned by many others.  This was water.

A godly couple came over to our house one night and did battle with shame that still hung over my husband. They saw the real Him—Jesus through Him, and  declared that his sin is NOT who he is nor how God sees him. This cultivated life in my husband at a time when all we could hear was gossip ringing in our ears.  The gossip wasn’t my husband; the sin wasn’t my husband.

Beloved is who my husband is. Child of God is who he is. Human, fellow brother in Christ—that is who he is!

This. Was. Water.

I could go on and on with the many ways God opened our eyes to the water available to us as we cried out. He showed up in therapy, in quiet moments, and more…but mostly, He simply gave us what we needed when we needed it. It took so much work. It wasn’t always when I wanted it, but it was exactly when I needed it.

We are still on a journey…

And we want to walk with you on yours.  Since joining forces with Laurie and Matt, I have been able to experience their Journey Well Workshop.  I wish everyone could experience going to one of these because of the healing it offers both personally and to the broader church community.

We all are broken.  We all have broken sexuality.

This workshop makes you dig deep and see the junk in your own life and helps you to have compassion for others dealing with their own form of sexual brokenness. Churches, leaders, married, and single people need to hear this message.  It’s for everyone.

God is on the move, and I’m so excited to be a part of a ministry that knows how to walk alongside of people who find themselves in these deserts.

Do the Next Thing:

1. Pray: Start with that crying out like I did in my dining room desert and like Hagar did in the literal desert
2. Open Your Heart to Him: What next steps does God have for you? Ask yourself and trusted friends around you.
3. Reach Out: We were so grateful for our marriage intensive experience and for our marriage counselors. Please don’t try to do this on your own. Reach out to a trusted therapist in your area.
4. Listen: Want to hear more of our story? Listen to this episode of the HIMH Podcast.
5. Read: These are just some of the verses that were water to me during this time: Philippians 4:8; Joshua 1:9; Psalm 51; James 4:7-10; Isaiah 43:19.
6. Want to talk more? My email is info@lauriekrieg.com.